just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
