The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize