If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
