Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
