I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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