I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
