I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
