sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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