Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
