his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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