So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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