Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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