you guys were way drunker than both of me
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
