Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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