I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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