either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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