I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
