so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
