i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
