Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
