Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
