Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
cat food counts as protein by the way
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
