ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
