he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
