Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
