There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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