You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
