All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
