every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
