I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
