I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
