Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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