Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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