Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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