I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
