his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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