So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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