I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He shit in the fireplace
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
