my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
