see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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