Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
