Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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