Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Randomize
