im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
