I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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