Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
