Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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