I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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