i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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