Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
