yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
