are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
