Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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