You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The convent might be a nice break from real life
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
