How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
