that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
