I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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