She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
