dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
