I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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