i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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