The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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